Well, I’ve really wanted to write my thoughts for a while now on my view of being a new father, just really haven’t gotten around to it. Lately I have been really pondering the whole lifestyle change I have been going through, and I must say it is amazing.
Now, to clarify the lifestyle change I am talking about would be the fact of being a father (a true father, not just a sperm-donor) now has given me emotions and feelings I haven’t ever felt before. In my situation it’s a bit different, see I am a truck-driver so I was away for my daughter’s birth. I will tell you right off the bat, that was and is still one of the hardest things I will have to endure for the rest of my life, to know that the precious memory of seeing your child take his or her first breathe or let out her first cry, to hold her while they are fresh from the womb and calm them, to just experience that bond I will never know. Well needless to say when I got back into town and went to meet my daughter for the first time, I was nervous. This was a little precious life I would now be responsible, and have to make sure that I provide in every way a father is obligated to. Now I don’t know if any of you who are reading this understand or have experience in the trucking business, but one of the things you do and do a lot is think. Before I arrived to meet my daughter, well from the time I heard she was born and the time I arrived to meet her, there was a 3 day drive, so needless to say I had 72 hours of thinking ahead of me. If you can imagine being stuck in an 8 by 10 rolling prison cell, your mind will start to wonder. I imagined how she looked, and who she would resemble more, what she will be like when she gets older, just all the things you think of from time to time. By the time I had got into town I had built up an anxiety attack that could level the twin towers 10 times worse. And then it happened….
I met my daughter for the first time and she made my heart drop, I almost dropped her, that’s how weak she had me. I really don’t remember a lot of what was going through my head, but I do remember just rocking back and forth in a chair telling her mother she was beautiful while chocking on tears. I did that for about an hour and a half before I held her again. Now every man I know called me a pussy for that but fuck them, those who are piece of shit fathers, or not fathers yet have no idea what god looks like until you see your baby for the first time.
It’s going on 8 months now and I haven’t, on account of being a trucker, built that important bond that a father needs to develop with their daughter to give her structure and help her develop that all important self-esteem that most fatherless girls lack. You see I am realizing that the reason I got a higher paying job is the same reason I need to quit and get back to home. I have been away, and even though it’s what I do, I am realizing what I am missing. Every time I get back into town, I realize what I am missing and she is growing so much. Her little personality is really starting to develop, and she is starting to get this comfort zone with certain family members. Well let’s just say her father isn’t one, I mean we have a bond, but her face doesn’t light up for me like it does for people who are around her for more than weekends.
I need to get home……………………..
Now, to clarify the lifestyle change I am talking about would be the fact of being a father (a true father, not just a sperm-donor) now has given me emotions and feelings I haven’t ever felt before. In my situation it’s a bit different, see I am a truck-driver so I was away for my daughter’s birth. I will tell you right off the bat, that was and is still one of the hardest things I will have to endure for the rest of my life, to know that the precious memory of seeing your child take his or her first breathe or let out her first cry, to hold her while they are fresh from the womb and calm them, to just experience that bond I will never know. Well needless to say when I got back into town and went to meet my daughter for the first time, I was nervous. This was a little precious life I would now be responsible, and have to make sure that I provide in every way a father is obligated to. Now I don’t know if any of you who are reading this understand or have experience in the trucking business, but one of the things you do and do a lot is think. Before I arrived to meet my daughter, well from the time I heard she was born and the time I arrived to meet her, there was a 3 day drive, so needless to say I had 72 hours of thinking ahead of me. If you can imagine being stuck in an 8 by 10 rolling prison cell, your mind will start to wonder. I imagined how she looked, and who she would resemble more, what she will be like when she gets older, just all the things you think of from time to time. By the time I had got into town I had built up an anxiety attack that could level the twin towers 10 times worse. And then it happened….
I met my daughter for the first time and she made my heart drop, I almost dropped her, that’s how weak she had me. I really don’t remember a lot of what was going through my head, but I do remember just rocking back and forth in a chair telling her mother she was beautiful while chocking on tears. I did that for about an hour and a half before I held her again. Now every man I know called me a pussy for that but fuck them, those who are piece of shit fathers, or not fathers yet have no idea what god looks like until you see your baby for the first time.
It’s going on 8 months now and I haven’t, on account of being a trucker, built that important bond that a father needs to develop with their daughter to give her structure and help her develop that all important self-esteem that most fatherless girls lack. You see I am realizing that the reason I got a higher paying job is the same reason I need to quit and get back to home. I have been away, and even though it’s what I do, I am realizing what I am missing. Every time I get back into town, I realize what I am missing and she is growing so much. Her little personality is really starting to develop, and she is starting to get this comfort zone with certain family members. Well let’s just say her father isn’t one, I mean we have a bond, but her face doesn’t light up for me like it does for people who are around her for more than weekends.
I need to get home……………………..
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